Shrunken Ned has had many callings in his life, as well as been the part of many ventures. From a pharmacist with witty prescriptions, to the proprietor of a shrunken fleet of African steamer ships, he has never had a problem finding some way to occupy his time. Most recently he has become involved with Twenty Eight & Main, a line of fine quality goods for the discerning gentleman. In particular, he has merged his prescription cards from his time as a Jungle Witch Doctor (or Head Shrink of the Jungle, take you pick) with refined glassware.
While some of Shrunken Ned’s advice can be quite specific, in this instance he decided to go with something more generic that everyone can use, Shrunken Ned’s Rules for Good Health. Which are:
a) Never Eat Anything Bigger Than Your Head.
b) Get Plenty of Sleep, Especially At Work.
c) Run Only If Chased.
Not bad, but not my favorite of his words of wisdom. While one piece of advice can be found pinned to the bulletin board in the Jungle Navigation Co. Ltd. Skipper Canteen in the Magic Kingdom, for the remaining you will have to venture to another Adventureland. Shrunken Ned’s original advice stand can only be found in Disneyland’s Adventureland. For those not able to make the trip, let’s get you ahead of the curve with the shrinking doctor’s guidance. In no particular order, save the scribbled one I can’t make out…
Shrunken Ned’s Sure-Fire Guide To Tell If You’ve Learned All Of Life’s Lessons–
1) Hold mirror up to mouth.
2) Fog mirror.
3) If you succeed, you must have learned something, because you’re still alive!
4) Continue to learn life’s lessons.
How to make Shrunken Ned’s “Jungle Juice” Longevity Cocktail:
1 Shot Zambezi River Water
1 Shot Zambezi River Water
1 Gallon Pomegranate Juice
1 Tsp. Emu toenails
1 Dash Rhino Eyelid Dandruff
Blend for 6 hours, or until clear. Drink over ice 10 times a day. (Notice: This product has no therapeutic value whatsoever. Its value comes from the exercise you’ll receive from chasing a rhino to get his eyelid dandruff.)
Follow Shrunken Ned’s Simple Directions For A Happy Life:
A) Take Your Best Shot
B) Get A Clue
C) Shake It But Don’t Break It, Wrap It Up and Take It
D) It’s Your Thing, Do Whatcha Want To Do (I Can’t Tell You Who To Sock It To)
E) Discontinue If Itching Persists
Shrunken Ned’s Life Extension Formula:
A) Eat only celery for 6 weeks. After 6 weeks, eliminate celery.
B) Give up al bad habits, hobbies, television, friends and forms of amusement.
C) Move to the Aleutian Islands and Sell Refrigerators.
(None of this will make your life longer — it will just seem longer…)
Shrunken Ned’s Prescription For You–
“Boil one eye of newt, sprinkle on a thick paste of Yak fur, spread on saltine crackers and take twice a day until you get better (or your Yak runs out of fur).”
Shrunken Ned’s Philosophy For Total Health–
“For a long, ahppy life, eat whatever you want and don’t worry about it. A waist is a terrible thing to mind.”
Shrunken Ned’s Sure-Fire Insomnia Cure!
1) Get plenty of sleep.
2) See #1.
Shrunken Ned’s Balanced Diet
1) While holding a double chili cheeseburger in each hand, balance a pepperoni pizza on your head, and a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream on your nose.
2) Eat everything you can balance.
Shrunken Ned’s Philosophy–
“Nothing In Excees, Including Moderation.”
Shrunken Ned’s Thought For The Day–
“Be very careful about following the advice in health books. You could die of a misprint.”
And, of course, this little beauty…